"The Fine Print", by Michael Schrader

WHEN YOU ARE A LEADER, YOU DON’T HAVE A PRIVATE LIFE

(Written and posted 28 December 2009)

A few weeks ago, I read a news story about a high school volleyball player in Fort Worth, Texas, who was not allowed to compete because she was pregnant, and was suing the school for sexual discrimination. The school district has a policy that pregnant athletes cannot play contact sports because such activities might harm the child, and regardless of what the volleyball player says, volleyball is a contact sport, as players often do make contact with not only each other but with the floor. Upon reading this article, I remarked that the student should have thought about the consequences of her actions before having sex, and was politely chastised by my cousin for being judgmental. After all, why is her personal life anyone else’s business? If she wants to have sex, who cares if I disapprove? It’s her private business, right?

No, it isn’t. When a person chooses to be a leader, to represent others, whether it is as an elected official, a clergyman, or as an athlete, your private life ceases to exist; everything you do becomes the concern of the public, as you are representing them. If you do not want to give up your privacy, do not enter the public eye; it is just that simple. If you are a teenage girl and you want to have sex and get pregnant, then that is your right, as long as you are not representing me or someone else who does not approve of your life choices.

When that young girl decided to put on that volleyball jersey with the name of her school emblazoned across it, her privacy and her anonymity ceased to exist. She immediately became a representative of the school – the student body, the faculty and staff, and the entire community. As a representative of the school, she became a role model, the epitome of the collective values and morals of the community to the rest of the world. As a representative of the community’s values and morals, the community has every right to demand that she represent those values and morals correctly.

Having lived in the Fort Worth area for several years, I am confident that there are those among the community who strongly believe that teenage pregnancy is wrong. If I, as a member of the community, believe teenage pregnancy to be immoral and wrong, then would I really want a pregnant teenager representing me to the outside world? No, I wouldn’t, because I would not want the outside world thinking that I, as a member of the community at large, condone teenage pregnancy. Since she is my representative, then her private life is my business, as I only want someone representing me who reflects my values and beliefs and whom I would not be embarrassed of.

A couple of years ago, the unmarried teenage daughter of one of our church staff became pregnant. I was outraged for several reasons. First, the mother, who had been an unmarried mother herself, did not learn anything from her own mistake and allowed her daughter too much freedom, even after learning that her daughter was sexually active. As I was told, she trusted her daughter, whom she viewed as her best friend. As I have often told my children, I am not their friend, I am their father, and it is my job to be their conscience and keep them out of the trouble that children and teenagers are inclined to get into. As my ex-wife has been quick to point out, I can be rather harsh and restrictive, but I have successfully raised one daughter to adulthood and a second one is almost there without incident, so I must be doing something right. A second reason for my outrage is that as a member of the church staff, the mother and her children are representing me as a member of the church, and this particular member does not approve of unmarried teenager mothers. The lack of outrage by fellow parishioners disappointed me; many whom I had respected accepted it, and I lost respect for them. A member of our church staff’s unmarried teenage daughter had a baby out of wedlock, and that is okay? My Catholic education told me that fornication is a sin; so why is it okay to have a person who violated Catholic teaching represent me and my Catholic church? Isn’t that like telling the rest of the world that Catholics don’t really practice what we preach, that we condone teenage pregnancy? That’s the way that I saw it, yet I was chastised for being too judgmental. I was told that I should be forgiving and understand, because that is what good Christians do.

My outrage had nothing to do with forgiveness and understanding. If just a run-of-the-mill person fornicates, drinks, smokes, dopes themselves up, cheats on their spouse, or engages in other vices, I figure that is between them and their Maker, and it really isn’t any of my concern. Live and let live; what they do in their private life is their business, as long as it doesn’t affect or reflect poorly on me. And there’s the rub. When you hold a position of authority or represent an organization or school or community or are otherwise considered a role model, then what you do IS my business as a member of the community you represent or a parent of children who look to you as a role model. Whether you are a volleyball player or a golf legend, you are representing somebody else and their values, whether a school, a community, or a business, and your private behavior reflects poorly on these others. Because of this, your private behavior is no longer private. It is a lot to expect out of a person to live to a much higher standard than most of those around him or her, but that is the price you pay for assuming a leadership mantle, be it as an athlete, a politician, a celebrity, a religion teacher, or any other position where you are representing someone else.

Yes, I know that the standards may be ridiculously high, but you knew that going in and I, for one, expect you to live up to them. Hannah Montana to the contrary, you can’t have the best of both worlds – you are either private and anonymous, or public and a V.I.P. If you choose the latter, accept the consequences for failure with grace and dignity; show the world you are responsible enough to own up for your actions. That is what it means to be a leader. That is what it means to be a role model.

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