(Written and posted 17 October 2009)

Anyone who is familiar with Dallas knows that Dallas traffic is, well, challenging. At rush hour, much of Dallas resembles a linear parking lot. When I worked for Dallas County, my friend Matt and I would wait out the worst of the traffic with a beer at the pub down the street from the office. It was during one of these waiting periods that we had a discussion about incompetence. You see, we knew some people whose level of incompetence was phenomenal. How could someone be so incompetent? Our conclusion was that incompetent people do not realize that they are incompetent, as they are not competent enough to understand their own lack of competence.

Let me give you an analogy. When I was young, my grandmother lived with us. My grandmother was a kind and generous woman, and helped my mother with the house cleaning. While that was a very kind and considerate thing to do, there was one problem with her house cleaning – she didn’t really get the house clean. It wasn’t for a lack of effort, as she would diligently clean. The problem was that she had very poor eyesight, so what she thought was clean, what looked to her as clean, really wasn’t. I remember that she would wash the dishes, but even after she washed them, there was still food on them, because she couldn’t see that there was still food on them. In her eyes, the dishes were sparkly clean; in everyone else’s, they were still dirty. Did we ever let her know that that dishes weren’t really clean? I didn’t. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, and besides, it really wasn’t her fault that she couldn’t see. Better to go behind her and fix it than to bring it to her attention and make her feel bad about herself.

Why do I tell this tale? I think the analogy between my blind grandmother and her dirty dishes and incompetent people and the illogical decisions they make is a valid one. I also think that just like I enabled my grandmother to continue "cleaning" by not telling her that she actually wasn’t because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, that we enable incompetent people to continue to make bad decisions because we want to spare their feelings. After all, they are incompetent so they can’t help it, so why make a big issue out of it, right?

I’d agree that it is okay if the momentary lapse of reason is the exception and not the norm. However, what if that periodic lapse harms others? Then is okay? When is the time to draw the line? When is incompetence hazardous? At what point do we step in and intervene?

This is a question I have wrestled with for two decades. For two decades, I have seen a person that I care about slip further and further into incompetence. At first, those momentary lapses of reason were the exception. I attributed them to youthfulness, inexperience, and naivete. I assumed, wrongly it turns out, that as this person grew older and wiser, that these lapses would become a distant memory. I enabled, excused, and covered it up. Every time one of the lapses would occur, I would discount it as "flakiness". Sure, they were disturbing, but I refused to believe that this person that I cared so much for might have an issue, that this person’s ability to reason and act responsibly and rationally might be impeded. In retrospect, I should have said something, I should have intervened, then. I didn’t. Instead, I carried that person’s burden and I kept the condition a secret.

Over time, as this person aged, the momentary lapses did not stop; instead, they increased, not only in frequency, but also in severity. I found myself in over my head, trying to carry the extra load. I tried to get help from the family of this person, but the effort was futile. This person was so good at masking the problem and deflecting all responsibility for the momentary lapses of reason that no one believed me. I was making it all it, I was told. I was the one who had issues. So, I essayed on, suffering in silence, trying my best to create a façade of normalcy, accepting the blame for this person’s momentary lapses of reasons, doing my best to be a shield. Of course, my efforts were completely counterproductive. The more I shielded this person from the consequences of their actions, the more brazen this person’s actions become. I had sent the message to this person that these actions were okay, that it was safe to continue walking down this irrational path, that there were no consequences for these actions. Instead of me bringing this person up into the rational world, this person started bringing me down into the abyss of irrationality. I found myself deeply depressed, unable to focus, completely hopeless, and completely alone. I stopped really caring about anything, and went into survival mode, just doing enough to get through the day.

The past five years have been a hellish nightmare for me. It is hard to watch someone that you care deeply about slowly lose their rationality. It is hard to be around someone that you care deeply about when you fear them, because you know that that do not think rationally and you do not know if enough of their rationality is left to stop them for doing something horrendous. It is hard knowing that this person is affecting you, making you miserable and dragging you down into the abyss, and that there isn’t a damned thing you can do about it.

Since most of us live in a logical, rational world, we tend to discount and pooh-pah issues of incompetence and irrationality. Since it makes no sense to us, we try to rationalize and ignore it. That is a very dangerous thing to do. People with incompetence and irrationality issues affect those rational and competent people who are around them, burdening them with the problems that they have created but do not recognize. These people, in turn, shares these burdens with those around them.

In my case, I found my talking to people. Talking a lot. Some would say incessantly. Talking so much that it has impacted my ability to function at times. I have felt the need to share this burden. I have also realized that I am very angry. The anger simmers just below the surface, and the slightest provocation releases it. I am not angry at this person for being incompetent, because that is who they are; it cannot be helped. I am angry at myself. I am angry for feeling powerless to help. I am angry for trying to hide and mask the problem, for by doing so, I exacerbated it.

Mental illness is very real. It not only affects those who are afflicted, but those around them. It is destructive and it is toxic and it does irreparable harm. I just thank God that he has blessed me with a friend and a confidant, someone who is kind, compassionate, and understanding.