"The Fine Print", by M. H. Schrader
LORD OF THE FLIES...NOT!
(Originally published in the “Neighborhood Journal” 26 November 1997. Posted 06 October 2007.)
Winston Churchill, the great British statesman and historian, was less respected at home than abroad. To many of the British aristocracy, Winston was viewed as rather crude and uncouth.
Lady Astor was one of Churchill’s antagonists. Winston, a man I admire, was quick-witted enough to turn the Lady’s insults back at her. (I only wish I was half as good.)
At one event, she scolded Churchill for being drunk, to which Churchill retorted, “Lady, you’re ugly, and tomorrow morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly!”
Another time, Lady Astor viciously remarked, “Winston, if you were my husband, I would put poison in your tea!” Churchill replied, “Lady, if I were your husband, I would drink it!”
Why am I bringing this up? Well, let’s just say that I have been subjected (either by being the object or by having to listen someone spew them at others) to similarly contrite insults. My favorite one is, “You know, you can attract more flies with honey than with vinegar!”
I would like to let those of you who like to use such contrite little sayings in on a little something--I really don’t care about flies, and I don’t think those that you are trying to insult do, either. In fact, why would anyone want to attract flies?! Do you know that flies are adult maggots? Do you also know that flies were responsible for the spread of many fatal epidemics throughout history? Have you ever seen what flies eat?
I can’t speak for the rest of humanity, but I, personally, am not interested in attracting flies. In fact, to me, the best fly is a dead fly. Which is of course why I keep several fly swatters handy.
Regardless of the fly issue, why would anyone want to be sweet anymore in today’s harsh world? Both Mrs. Schrader and I have found that being nice and sweet got us footprints on our backs.
Yes, I know that as people of the book we are supposed to be good to others, turn the other cheek, and be sweet. But, unfortunately, it seems that being sweet is interpreted by many as being a jellyfish, which is really a very sad commentary on the pathetic state our society has slipped into. I know of folks who worked hard all of their lives only to be given the pink slip in the name of corporate cost-cutting rather than being permitted to retire with dignity. I know of too many who work hard every day only to see the dredge of society being rewarded for sloth and laziness.
After being stiffed out of tens of thousands of dollars, backstabbed by employees and supervisors, I finally came to the conclusion that I was just being too darned nice to everyone. After all, I consider myself a peaceful man; I don’t like conflict. However, there are times when conflict is unavoidable.
I have accepted that fact. To the honey people, this fact seems to be incomprehensible.
I have been asked how I can live knowing that there are people in this world who, well, quite frankly, hate my guts. Here is my secret. Now promise not to tell anyone. It’s just between you and me, okay? Here it is--I don’t care. Yup. It’s that simple. I just frankly don’t care.
I figure if someone has nothing better to do than nit-pick everything I do to death, well, more power to them. I wish I had that kind of spare time, but I don’t. And I don’t have the time to worry about it.
I’ve decided (sometimes to Mrs. Schrader’s chagrin) that I am not going to worry about changing who I am to ensure that everybody likes me. Why? Because that is an impossibility. There will always be that one person who detests me, no matter what I try to do to please them. So I am not going to waste my time.
To quote Popeye, “I yam who I yam.” And I am happy with that. So back off.
Oh, by the way, you can keep your honey.