“The Fine Print”, by Michael Schrader

AND NOW, TO RECAP . . .

(Written 03 December 1997. Published in the Neighborhood Journal. Posted 22 June 2009.)

One of the nagging fears of any columnist is that no one will read your column. It’s like when you throw a party, and no one comes. Knowing that you’ve put your heart and soul into something and no one really could give a ... Let’s not go there. It’s just too painful to think about.

Fortunately, from the humble beginnings of this column three years ago in Farmington, Missouri, I have suspected that people do indeed read it. What is the basis of my suspicions, you ask?

Perhaps it has been the numerous letters to the editor or editorial responses that my column has elicited. (The count now stands at three editorial “responses” from three different newspapers. I am, after all, an equal opportunity offender.) Perhaps its the remarks from other columnists. Perhaps it was a small town mayor passing not-so-friendly messages to me through a mutual acquaintance.

Things have been so quiet lately I was beginning to wonder if, after three years and probably close to one hundred columns, I’d lost my touch.

Suffice it to say, my fears are unfounded. I have discovered, you see, that my column has manifested itself at places that I would not have expected it to be. Of course, this revelation makes me happy as I know that, yes indeed, I am actually being read,. and that I am being given an opportunity to reprogram minds gone astray to think correctly--the way I think. Okay, okay, I am not really into a propaganda thing---or am I?

But I digress. I am flattered that people do actually read my column. And, I am confident Editor appreciates it, too.

Since some of you are novice readers, I would like to say “Welcome.” I would also like to add that while some of my columns of the past two months are good, and some are better, I would not rank them among the best. You see, I have to be in a particular state of mind (I think it has something to do with sleep deprivation) to produce a truly spectacular column. While I’ve been close to that state of late, I haven’t quite reached that pinnacle. Masterpieces only come around about three or four times a year. So , in the remaining space here today, I will update all of the newer readers as to what I consider the masterpieces.

Way back at the beginning, in fact it was the second column I wrote, was a dialogue satire about “The City of Tradition Inn and Progress Drive.” The “title” was a play on the city’s pride of tradition and progress, but the only progress found by one of the dialogians was Progress Drive, and the only tradition the Tradition Inn. The column skewered the tradition of the city, a tradition of white male Protestant dominance of every aspect of life and a city controlled by a few select congregations and families who disliked anyone from the nearby big city but wanted their money in the form of tax revenue. Needless to say, the mayor and several councilmen were quite, well, displeased with the column, causing the Editor to write a column stating, basically, that I was nuts.

While recovering from knee surgery last year, I wrote a small neighborhood newspaper. One of my columns, which was the compilation of others frustrations, had to deal with the arrogance of city officials and their contempt of citizens. This column found its way to the desk of several top city officials, who, shall we say, were not pleased. This from a newspaper with a circulation of 100. I consider this my very best editorial ever.

This year, the watershed column was one titled “Another St. Valentine’s Day Massacre”, a humorous look at a male-eyed view of Valentine’s Day, and why it is so --depressing? frustrating? obnoxious?-- for men. Honorable mention for this year goes to the “Elvis dug up my rose bush” column.

There you have it. A recap of the very best of this column. Stay tuned, Dear Reader. I think another one may be right around the corner.

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