“The Fine Print”, by Michael Schrader

WOULD JESUS REALLY HAVE STIFFED THE WAITRESS?

(Written 30 September 1998. Published in the Neighborhood Journal. Posted 13 July 2009.)

Several days ago, I was sitting in a Waffle House about 1 AM or so waiting to enjoy some pie and coffee. Sitting in the booth next to me were two young girls of about 18 or so. While waiting for the piece of pie to go with my coffee, I started to observe my surroundings for want of anything better to do. I noticed that the two girls had a whole table full of food, and they were keeping the waitress, who just happened to be my waitress, hopping. I observed that these two girls looked rather anxious, like they were waiting for somebody. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw that one of the girls was wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet.

"Ah", I thought to myself, "these are good Christian girls." Just knowing that these two young girls were not some young trollops was reassuring. Until I saw the bracelet, I had begun to wonder if they were just that. After all, what kind of girls, except for trollops, are gallivanting about at one in the morning? "No", I thought to myself, "these are a couple of good girls who probably are just grabbing a bite to eat after a Friday night football game."

My thoughts were interrupted by the manager telling two young ruffians who had just walked in the door that they were not welcome and that they should leave. When the ruffians left, the two girls quickly followed. Apparently, these ruffians were the boyfriends of the good Christian girls. The next two things I saw really flabbergasted me. The ruffians were standing in the parking lot flipping off the patrons, with the two girls standing by their sides laughing. After watching the freak show for all of five seconds, I glanced back over at the booth where the two girls were sitting and noticed that they had stiffed the waitress of a tip.

I had been told that these "What Would Jesus Do" apparel items have done more to straighten up our wayward youth than anything, as they serve as a visual reminder to our young people to do the right thing, to walk in the Way of Christ. If the young girl's actions represent Jesus' actions, then one could conclude that Jesus would stiff the waitress, and that Jesus would stand around with the Apostles and watch them make obscene hand gestures to others.

Of course, that is absurd. The Jesus that I know would never do such things. Obviously, the young girl did not really believe what she was publicly professing with her bracelet. Apparently, it did not matter a bit what Jesus would do. She was a fake, a phony, someone who was cloaking her real self in the mantle of Christianity. And it makes me sick.

Many Christians are like that girl -- liars and hypocrites. If I hear one more time about how so-and-so is such a good Christian man because he goes to church every Sunday I am going to lose my lunch. I once got into a heated discussion about that very assumption with a fellow reporter, who stated that this fellow was a good public servant because he went to church every Sunday. Big deal! I know people who go to church every Sunday that treat their families like dirt and are rude and obnoxious to the rest of society as well. Going to church does not a good person make. Wearing an article of clothing publicly professing your faith does not a good person make. To me, it's not what you publicly say but how you act in your everyday ordinary life that shows who you are and what you believe.

After finishing my cup of coffee and my piece of pie, I was still thinking about what Jesus would do. I tipped the waitress for the two girls.

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