(Written 24 June 1998. Published in the Neighborhood Journal. Posted 28 July 2006.)
How many people have you ever
heard say that on their deathbed? That
was the question posed by the Deacon this past Sunday as the conclusion of a
very powerful homily about a man's responsibility as a father.
I must admit, there are many
Sundays when I hear the homily, but I do not really listen. The one thing I will say about the
Deacon: he catches my attention. And this Sunday, he once again caught my
attention. Because he is right. Men, for all practical purposes, have
effectively abdicated their parental role.
Sure, there are some exceptions to the rule, but in general, most men
are not truly being "fathers".
In the wake of the escalating
violence, drug use, and promiscuity of our youth, the blame has been squarely
placed on women and single parent households.
We are told that the break-up of the nuclear family is the reason for
all of society's woes. If women would
stay at home and be submissive, we are told, everything would be okay.
Hogwash! Having a man in the house does not a family make. Male supremacy and female submissiveness not
only does not make for a two-parent household, it actually creates single
parent households. In these types of
relationships, the man's wishes always come before the family, because the man
is, after all, the breadwinner, so he, and his wants and needs, are much more
important. If the man decides that he
wants to spend his money on guns, ammo, golf, tennis, booze, you name it, then
he will, darn it, because he is the breadwinner and he earned it so he can
spend it however he sees fit. So what
if the children have holes in their shoes!
No, I am not being
ridiculous. Look around you. The next time you drive by a packed gold
course, think about how many men on the golf course have children. (A whole lot) And then think about this--to play a round of golf costs, say,
$40. Clubs are several hundred. Balls are several bucks a piece (and if you
golf like I do, you will lose two or three a round). That's quite a chunk of money spent on one person that could be
going to the family.
Now think about the time. A typical round of golf can take four
hours. That's an entire afternoon. So while the man is out PLAYING with his
buddies, without a care in the world, his wife is back home with the
children. Nevermind that she might have
errands to run or things of her own to do.
She will not get to have any of her own time, because she must care for
the children. If she has to run
errands, she must take the young-uns with her, which is not an easy task. Meanwhile, Dad, instead of spending time
with his children, his flesh-and-blood, who will always be part of his life, is
spending it with people who may not be around next year. The tragedy is that when the children grow
up, it will be too late, as they will have their own lives, like in the Harry
Chapin song, "Cat's In The Cradle."
Looking back on my life, my father
was always too busy with work, the house, the car, etc., so my brother and I
were left to our own devices. I went
places and did things as a kid that I would never allow my children to do. In my father's defense, I will say that as
the only breadwinner in the family, he felt it was his duty to his family to
work whenever possible.
I have single friends who get
frustrated with me because I can never "come out and play." Other married men we know do, why can't
I? It's quite simple. I have decided that just my being married
with children does not make me a decent husband and father. What makes a decent husband and father is to
subjugate myself to my wife and four children.
It's taken me eight years of marriage and four children to realize that
I am not a single man, and I cannot live a single man's life. There is no such thing as "me"
time when you are married. Yes, it's
frustrating at times to not be able to control your own life, but that is part
of being a member of a family, of being a husband and a father.
So tell me, is that golf game
really the best thing for your family?