“The Fine Print”, by Michael Schrader
TO SEE THE LIGHT, ONE MUST
EXPERIENCE THE DARKNESS
(Written 03 June 1998. Published in the Neighborhood Journal. Posted 30 June 2009.)
For some reason, the Dan Fogelberg
song, "
It has been six months since my humiliation, and what a six
months it has been, too. Six months ago,
I discovered that loyalty in the workplace is non-existent, that ethics mean
nothing. It was six months ago that I
realized that there is no such thing as job security, that
the weekly paychecks that we tend to take for granted can end with the snap of
the fingers. It was six months ago,
that, as a result of some peoples' pettiness, I was escorted from my office by
a police officer.
Let me just say that this had not been the first time I have
been "shown the door", so to speak.
It was the first time that I was not able to leave with my privacy and
dignity intact. This loss of dignity, to
me, was humiliating enough; the publicizing of this undignified departure, the
invasion of my privacy, was even worse.
There is a song that goes, "You take away a man's
dignity, you take away his pride." The corollary is that if you take away a
man's pride, you take away his spirit.
The slaveholders knew this, which is how they were able to subjugate
their slaves. (The effects of public
whippings, for example, were intended to be much more psychological than
physical. The welts healed; the scars
caused by the stripping of one's humanity and dignity many times never did.)
Looking back in retrospect, it was the humiliation of how I
was "removed" that affected me much more than the fact that I had
been "removed." I felt unclean
and tainted, that no one could ever look me straight in the eye again without
wondering if what they had heard was true.
And it really bothered me.
Since I had been betrayed, I started to become
paranoid. It is, after all, a common
reaction to betrayal. I started to
wonder who else was out to set me up? With paranoia comes withdrawal into a shell,
a closing off of oneself from the rest of the world. Even from one's own family.
Of course, while I was slipping into the abyss of my mind, I
did not realize what was happening. Mrs.
Schrader's concerns were met with hostility.
I wasn't changing; everybody else was.
The world was out to get me. My
only solution was to escape, to run away, both psychologically and
physically. I was well on my way to
escaping psychologically, and quite prepared to do so
physically. You see, when you are
stripped of your dignity, you lose your will---your will to work, your will to
be a father, your will to be a husband, your will to be more than just a tick
feeding off of others' hard work.
Then, it suddenly hit me.
I was letting them win. They
wanted to beat me down, and I was letting them do it. And, worst of all, it was not hurting them in
the least. They were going on with their
lives, and were not in the least concerned about me. So, I asked myself, why should I be concerned
about them? Why should I let them ruin
my life, Mrs. Schrader's life, and the little Schraders'
lives? I shouldn't.
By knowing the dark, I now know the light. Since that turning point, I have stopped
worrying about the little things, about the material things. In the net scheme of things, it really
doesn't seem to matter. What does matter
is that I be the best father and husband and friend that I can be. Family is more important than anything else
there is. As long as I am with my wife
and my four children, nothing else really seems to matter much.
The past six months have been an adventure. I have embarked on a new, insecure, yet
rewarding, career working for myself.
(While I would like a tad bit more security, I can't complain about the
hours or the boss.) I have
"rediscovered" my three daughters, as now I actually have the time to
interact with them. And now I have a
son.
Family is indeed a wonder and a blessing, a blessing that I
will never again take for granted.
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