“The Fine Print”, by Michael Schrader

WRITTEN BY GUEST COLUMNIST, SAMUEL M. FULLER

TAKE MY SUBSTITUTE, PLEASE!

(Written by guest columnist Samuel M. Fuller, 24 March 1999. Published in the Neighborhood Journal. Posted 29 September 2009.)

There are few jobs with stigmas as thick and juicy as that of the substitute teacher. Hearken back to "Happy Days", or for the younger generation, "Saved By The Bell", and there will be portrayed a range of incompetent, ignorant, and asinine "educators". As a general rule, I think that this viewpoint is greatly exaggerated.

However, stereotypes come from somewhere. There ARE illiterate good old boys who prefer bare feet and the company of animals to regular society. There ARE overzealous bible-thumpers. There ARE eccentric Ivy League professors with tweed jackets and patches on the elbows.

I'm not going to say anything about the good substitute teachers; they, as a whole, are a fine bunch. They have a hard time coming into a class on a few hours notice. The bad ones, however, deserve to be exposed as the frauds that they are.

I have serious doubts on whether some of the substitutes I've had actually have had an education, much less an education degree. To back up my claim, I give you an honest-to-goodness recreation of an actual conversation with one such sub.

ME: Can I ask a question?

SUB: I'll decide who asks the questions.

ME: Can I ask a question?

SUB: I'll ask the questions.

ME: What?

SUB: Don't get confused...just do the work. Use the buddy system?

ME: The buddy system?

SUB: Don't be trying to take over the class. Don't take control.

ME: Take control? What?

SUB: Use the buddy system. Don't make me put a star by your name.

ME: (Perplexed) What? Are you an actor?

SUB: I'll decide who's an actor. Don't get crazy. Don't try and take control.

ME: (Resigned, sullen, depressed.) You deserve an Oscar.

SUB: I'll decide who deserves an Oscar.

This same teacher, I'll call him "Dr. Insane-O", then went on to criticize us for all having the same answers to the same simple grammar exercises and told us, "I decide the answers."

Another teacher, I'll call her "The Contortionist", let it slip that she was a big fan of Yoga. Five minutes later she was, no lie, perched on her head, a circle of desks around her, facing the already risen sun and telling us of the soothing power of UV rays. I had to wonder what would happen if the principal had entered the room at that point. But, he was probably practicing for his next foray into the cutthroat world of singing over the intercom. (I swear he has done this on several occasions.)

Then, of course, there's "Mr. Mussolini". He has a habit of wearing suits that are so tight they are illegal in at least four states. (Polyester, no less.) His motto, written on the board: "No Talking, No Walking." (If this is not awesome poetic talent, what is?) He actually came down on a student for sneezing too loudly, telling her that she should have "held it in, made it less noisy."

Maybe this is just here at Little Rock Central High. Maybe the rest of the country doesn't have this problem. Maybe.

I come to school to (don't gasp) learn. I enjoy learning. I want to learn. I don't want to be able to write satirical pieces on how bad some substitute teachers are. Listen up, school board! Do something! You can't blame this on the macabre influence of television and mass media on our young, malleable minds. Take responsibility.

"The great teacher inspires." Unfortunately, the only thing I'm being inspired to do is avoid becoming a teacher.

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