“The Fine Print”, by Michael Schrader

LET ME QUALIFY THAT...

(Written 10 February 1999. Published in the Neighborhood Journal. Posted 19 June 2009.)

One of the most memorable episodes of "Seinfeld" is the one where a reporter writes that Jerry and George are gay. When they emphatically deny that they are, they find that their denials are interpreted as an indictment of the gay lifestyle. When they try to clarify their position, their comments are again misconstrued. Poor Jerry and George spend the rest of the episode denying being gay with a qualifier, "...but there's nothing wrong with that!", so that they would not be considered to be anti-gay bigots.

I know, I know, it is only a TV show. It's fiction, right? But is it really pure fiction, or is it based on reality? Think about it. How many people have had something they've said so completely misconstrued that they have found the use of qualifiers (a la "Seinfeld") necessary? I know I have. Qualifiers have become a necessary evil because society has become waaaay too sensitive about everything. Doesn't it seem like folks are always looking for something to pounce on, something to be offended by? If you don't think so, then address a lady as "Ma'am" and watch the fur fly. ("You brute! How dare you call me 'Ma'am'. I'm not old!")

A few weeks back, I was in a coffeeshop with a buddy of mine in D.C. While waiting to order my coffee, I was admiring the cookies in the cookie display. A thin young lady noticed my admiration (of the cookies, that is) and remarked, "They look good, don't they?"

I responded affirmatively, and as I was on a rather tight budget, asked her, "Would you care to buy me one?"

"No, I only have enough for one."

"Here's an idea! How about you buy a cookie, and I will eat it for you, and that way you will not have to worry about getting fat!"

Oops! Open mouth, insert foot. Although those cookies really did look delicious (and fattening, I might add), by the look on her face I could see that she had misinterpreted my remark. She thought I had said she was fat! I immediately threw out a qualifier--"Not that you are fat, because you're not, only that cookies are fattening. Just looking out for your well-being, that's all." But the qualifier did not matter; she had already been offended. She even told her boyfriend that I had called her fat, which of course, I did not.

Obviously, this young, thin lady was weight obsessed, and was waiting to take offense at any comment about her weight. Even if it was complimentary. (In a roundabout sort of way.) I felt like Jerry and George in that episode--damned if I did, damned if I didn't.

This incident has reinforced in my mind that America needs to take a collective Valium, as we are taking everything much too seriously. Is it just me, or have you noticed that there are people out there who think that everybody is talking about them, everybody is conspiring against them, that the world revolves around them? I am one of those people that likes to sit and watch the world go by, except that every time that I do, it seems like there is always at least one person who thinks I am "looking" at them, when in reality I am admiring God's handiwork. The reality is that they are obstructing my view of the world, and the only thing I think about them is that I want them to move out of the way so that I can see.

I don't know why it is that we have become such an edgy society. Perhaps it is because of this type of "everybody is out to get me" type of narcissism. Perhaps it is because we have lost our sense of humor. Perhaps it is because we have lost our sense of perspective, where we fit into the big picture.

Whatever the reason, we need to lighten up a bit, before we find that we have become a nation of people afraid to speak to each other for fear of offending.

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